00.08

A : I’m going to sleep

B : don’t

A : don’t tell me what to do

B : don’t tell me what to do

A : okay.

B : where’s pudding?

A : in the living room maybe, I could hear him meowing.

B : bring him in.

A : noooopeeeeee

B : but I miss him.

A : you miss me.

B : yes.

A : I’m going to sleep.

B : no.

A : who’s that behind you?

B : nobody. you ain’t gonna scare me, dude

A : but I saw something

B : rubber duckie, you’re the one….

A : you make bath time lots of fun….

B : rubber duckie, I’m overly fond of youuu

A : I’m overly fond of you too.

B : I know. Hmm I’m going to sleep.

A : no.

B : sigh.

A : good night, sugar.

B : good night.

Pudding, March 2018

a conversation from two years ago.

A : I’m sick of dealing with stupid people.

B : ?

A : sorry, I don’t usually walk around calling people stupid. it’s just because I’m talking to you. and these guys really got on my nerves.

B : ?

A : I call them stupid because they fight stupid fights. constantly. usually it starts over a little problem, then it would be a wildfire and continue over serious matters. they would scream at each other, throw petty arguments, then very childish banter would ensue, ‘look at you being all prissy, I’m prettier than you when I was young!’. at the end you won’t be able to tell what they fight over on the first place anymore. it’s almost like they bicker just because they like to bicker, you know? they’re twice and thrice my age, for god’s sake. why are they like this? is this because they are lacking education? is that it? because they didn’t get proper formal education and social skill?

B :

A : I envy you. people around you are educated and smart.

B : being educated and smart won’t stop people from having arguments when there’s disagreement.

A : at least you don’t have to listen to petty fights.

B : “petty” fight, “not-petty” fight, what’s the difference? both are nuisance to the ear.

A :

B : besides, can you picture two smart and educated people having argument, and both refuse to back down? when both party keep their ego high, and refuse to listen to each other?

A :

B : many people who live far from city don’t get very high education, but oftentimes I meet the kindest people there. in fact, most of them are nicer than those who live in big cities. those people are compassionate, genuine and humble, they live simple lives, and many don’t even go beyond middle school.

A :

B : what you need is not ‘educated’ people. what you need is kindhearted ones.

—

and most importantly, be one.

Red Thread

I had this strange dream in which I woke up next to you on the bed, it was deep in the night and the sound of rain pouring on the roof was like a distant, repetitive sound of billions of tiny metal balls falling.

In my dream you were sleeping soundly, your long limbs all spread out, your hand rested near my face.

In the dim light of night lamp I caught sight of red thread circling your pinky finger; then I saw the same thread circling mine.

But they were not connected.

Instead of ending on each other’s pinkies, our threads stretched separately and out of the room – to opposite directions – through the gap under the door.

—

an old poem, written sometime ago in 2018, during a time I still believed in soulmates. good times.

Dust Bunnies

Little by little, old memories of you

formed tangled balls of fluff-

like dust bunnies that I found

under the keys of my old keyboard.

I never know they were there until I got a dead key.

And do you know how dust bunnies look like?

Nasty.

-sfjd

Unlove Her

You blamed rain for your gloomy mood

You blamed your mom for your lactose intolerance

You blamed the glass door for “running into you!”

So now I’m curious to know-

who or what you will blame

for being unable to unlove her

 

-sfjd

8.30

It’s already half past eight and I haven’t decided on how to spend the night.

Should I read, write, or sketch?

I juggle the three options in my mind, pleased to find myself enjoying the solitary time out.

I am not feeling necessarily happy, but I am contented.

And I know better than asking for more excitement than I can handle.

The Alternate Universe

In the alternate universe, I’ll be

saving every extra penny for a plane ticket

then another plane ticket

then another plane ticket

I’ll be living by counting the day, hour, minute,

to the very moment I set foot on the airport

then another airport,

then another airport

Longing to go places where nobody speaks in my mother language

A completely strange world to me,

Just the way I need it to be

-sfjd

“Can’t it be you instead?”

“You’re so funny,” he said in between chuckles.

“No wonder my friend fancies you.”

Right there, faster than a red light turning green, the smile fell from her face.

“Oh.” She said quietly. Then a beat later, not so quietly:

“Can’t it be you instead?”

The Storm

you’re the storm raging in my mind

on the nights after every reunion, when I’ll be sitting here pouring my crooked heart out

another nervous hyping up, another predictable letting down, another numb period with occasional meltdowns, repeat

I don’t know what to expect from your coming back home anymore, because I know I’m no longer that home

this morning I looked up at the sky with a frown,

again the storm is coming to town.

-sfjd

missing le homies hour..

It was Easter the other day, and my friends were coming home for the short holiday (they work out of town). We decided to hang out in the music studio where we used to spend time together.

“This doesn’t sound quite right,” I said, strumming the electric guitar.

My friend was tuning the bass next to me. “Give me G.” He said. I strummed G.

“Whoa G feels awkward, I haven’t touched guitar in forever.” I said.

“That’s because you only play D.”

“Yours?”

We exchanged glances like this

I love how I don’t have to act nice and control my tongue around them, how I can shamelessly flirt and exchange sexual jokes with them without caring to be seen as “too much”, how I can curse or say any less-than-appropriate words all I please, how I just don’t need to “behave like a lady” around them like I do around other guys.

I do want to be seen as a girl by other guys. Hell if they don’t.

But with these particular guys, let’s say I’m more comfortable to be treated like one of them. To the point that I nearly bursted out crying when one of them greeted me “fuck you Sal I haven’t seen you in ages!” when they first saw me that day, because I have not been addressed in such intimate call in a long time, I was so touched goddamit. Brb wiping my tears.

Maybe I’m too bored of being treated like a girl and having to display myself like a girly girl. I’ve been censoring myself so much because, well, the only guys that I allow to interact with this wilder side of me are these bros, hahaha.

I miss them already. Holidays always end so fast :<